Kvatterin bringing in baby at Bris
From the Sandek to the Mohel, from the Kvaterrin to the Seudah – there is so much to do and remember for your son’s Bris/Brit Milah. Fill in the form below and we will send you a guide to the Brit Milah ceremony!
The Jewish birth mother’s prayer
April 13, 2011 By Leave a Comment
Jewish mother's prayer
composed by Shelley List and Yael Penkower.
English:
Master of the creation: You have made me your partner in creating a new life on this great and wonderful day. My heart is filled with joy! Let my husband and family stand with me and praise Your mercy. For You did not desert me in my wailing, nor forget me in labor: but You fashioned from this great pain a great joy and covered my cries with the birth cries of a tender infant.
May it be your will, my God and God of the fore-mothers, to guard the life of this boy/girl from sickness and accident and sustain him/her. Heal me, his/her mother, and give me strength for his/her sake; since this boy/girl trusts in me to nurture and protect him/her, I must trust in You to nurture and protect me.
Help me be diligent for the sake of my child. Fill me with patience and fairness, and let me act correctly toward him/her. Let me nourish him/her with food, with love, and words of your Torah. And may all my fears be like smoke without fire, like clouds with no rain, which scatter before your loving spirit.
I acknowledge that:
If the pregnancy was conceived or maintained through medical intervention:
You brought into the world the medical knowledge to help me conceive this child and to keep him/her in my womb until a fortuitous time for birth.
If labor and delivery proceeded without need for medical intervention:
My cries ended in great joy, may You watch over our health.
If medical intervention was needed to save the life of the child:
You returned the child’s life to me during labor by means of medical science. MayYou watch over him/her.
If medical intervention was necessary to save the life of the mother:
You returned my life to me by means of medical science. May you grant me a complete recovery of body and spirit.
May it be your will to open the wombs of all the barren women of Israel who await your blessing. Blessed are you God who hears supplication.
Hebrew:
ה’ בורא עולם, עושה מעשה בראשית, שתפתני עמך בבריאת חיים שילדתי ביום גדול ונורא זה. לבי מלא שמחה. תן לאישי ולמשפחתי לעמוד לידי ולהלל את רחמיך כי לא עזבתני בצעקי ולא שכחני בכאבי צירי, אבל מכאבים אלו חללת שמחה גדולה: ואת בכיי כיסית בבכיו/בבכיה של הרך הנולד הבא/הרכה הנולדת הבאה לעולם.
יהי רצון מלפניך ה’ אלוקי האמהות שתשמור על חיי הילד הזה/ילדה הזאת מכל מחלה ותאונה ותקיים את נפשו/נפשה. ואותי אמו/אמה, רפא וחזק למענו/למענה. כי הילד הזה בוטח/הילדה הזאת בוטחת בי להחיותו ולשומרו/ להחיותה ולשמרה כשם שאני בוטחת בך להחיותני ולשומרני.
עזור לי לעמוד על המשמר למען בני/בתי. מלאני בסבלנות, בצדק וביושר כלפיו/כלפיה. תן לי את היכולת לתת לו בגדלו/לה בגדלה מזון, אהבה ודברי תורתיך ויהיו פחדי כעשן בלי אש,כענן בלי גשם, ופזרם ברוח אהבתך.
מודה אני ש…
If the pregnancy was conceived or maintained through medical intervention:
הבאת לעולם את ידע הרפואה שעזר לי להפרות את רחמי בילד זה ולהחזיקו/בילדה זו ולהחזיקה ברחמי עד השעה הטובה ללדת
If labor and delivery proceeded without need for medical intervention:
צירי הסתיימו בשמחה רבה. יהי רצון מלפניך שתשמור על בריאותנו
If medical intervention was needed to save the life of the child:
חזרת את חיי הילד הזה/הילדה הזאת אלי במשך הלידה, בעזרת מידע הרפואה. יהי רצון מלפניך שתמשיך לשמור על חיינו
If medical intervention was necessary to save the life of the mother:
החזרת את חיי לי בעזרת מדע הרפואה. יהי רצון שתתן לי רפואה שלמה, רפואת הנפש ורפואת הגוף.
יהי רצון שתפתח את רחמיהן של כל עכרות ישראל המצפות לברכותיך. ברוך אתה ה’, שומע תפילה
Customs before a Brit
April 13, 2011 By Leave a Comment
Traditional customs said before the bris
Tikun Eliyahu
The Tikun Eliyahu (also called Leil Shimurim – night of vigil or Vechnacht) takes place on the night before the Brit Milah. The idea is to have a night of Torah study beside the baby’s crib. This custom is based on the notion that a newborn should not be left unattended during his first week of life, since his life is considered to be in danger until after his bris milah.
Verses: Some people also have the custom to bring young children to recite the ‘Shema ’ prayer and the verse ‘Hamalach hagoel oti’ by the baby’s bedside. These verses are considered to protect the child from harm before the Brit.
An explanation for the recitation of these particular verses is that through reciting them, the children declare their belief in God, in the presence of the newborn. In this way, they welcome him into the Jewish nation, just hours before he will enter into the covenant of Abraham.
In ancient times, when circumcision was forbidden by Greek and Roman rulers, this gathering on the night before the baby’s brit milah, was also meant to mislead the authorities – and cause them to believe that this was the extent of the intended celebrations, and that no circumcision was planned for the following day.
Brit Yitzchak
The Brit Yizchak is also known as the Leil Hazohar (Night of radiance) or the Akad-al-Yas (Binding of the myrtles).This custom is common in Sephardic communities, is also tied to the protection of the newborn. On the night before the bris, family and friends gather in the house of the newborn (or his grandparents’) and recite midrashim, stories, and laws in Aramaic, from the Zohar. The baby’s father reads a paragraph, which speaks of the father’s obligation to circumcise his son. Afterwards, all the guests enjoy a meal together, and sing and dance by candlelight. Some people have the custom to bring the ‘Chair of Elijah’, which will be used at the bris, to the house, and to tie myrtle branches onto it.
So you’re making a Bris! Mazal tov!
April 13, 2011 By Leave a Comment
If you want to give a great and memorable speech at your Brit Milah, but you don’t have time, confidence or the resources to prepare one, then you have come to the right place. Contact us, and we will prepare your speech for you!
A baby dressed for the brit milah ceremony
The Bris (also known as Brit Milah), is one of the most ancient Jewish laws that exists. The first person to have a Brit Milah was the first Jew, Abraham almost 5000 years ago.
The word Brit Milah actually means covenant. The first Brit took place between Abraham and God. As Abraham’s part of the covenant (Genesis 17:1-14), he is instructed by God to circumcise himself and all the males of his household. God’s part of the covenant is His promise to forever be with the Jewish people and give them the land of Israel. Abraham follows God’s command and from that moment in Jewish history, the circumcision becomes the symbol of the covenant between God and His people.
Most of us have little time to put together a brit, but on this page you will find loads of resources that will help you plan the occasion in the most effective, and meaningful way!
Photography by Rebecca Kowalsky
www.imagesthroughtime.com
photos@imagesthroughtime.com 054-5932049
“To Do List” for you Brit Milah
April 13, 2011 By Leave a Comment
A well organised and planned Brit Milah
So much to do – so little time! Here’s a 13 point “to do list” for your Brit Milah to help you out!
1. When - The brit milah is on the eighth day of your baby’s life, most often in the morning. The Jewish day begins at nightfall of the previous day. For example, if your son was born late Tuesday night, his brit will be scheduled for the Wednesday of the following week.
2. Choose a mohel - You can ask friends, approach your local synagogue or do a search on the internet. The mohel will examine the baby to make sure that he is healthy enough to undergo the brit at the required time. There may be a need for a medical opinion in case of complications which might lead to a delay until the baby is well. Often people find that the mohel is more cautious than the doctor. Every mohel has his own requirements and guidelines for what happens during the ceremony and it would be wise to be guided by him, however, if you have any questions, requests or expectations you should feel free to share them with him.
4. Where - you will need to decide where to hold the ceremony. For a large gathering you may want to have it in your synagogue or in a hall, however you can also have a more intimate ceremony in your home (and that may be easier in terms of moving your newborn around). Make sure that the room in which the bris will take place has good lighting.
5. The honors – you will need to choose the Kvaterim – a man and a woman who will bring the baby into the ceremony, and the Sandek who is like the spiritual godfather of the baby. He will hold the baby during the ceremony. This is the highest honor and is often given to one of the grandfathers.
6. Chose a Hebrew name – for more guidance on this issue read here.
7. The celebration - traditionally after the Brit Milah there is a festive meal. You may want to decorate the location, and find a caterer for your event. This festive meal is part of the commandment of the Brit therefore you should have bread or challah to give it an important meal status. Bagels, rolls and pita bread are all fine – you should say the blessing over the bread at the beginning of the meal and say Birkat HaMazon (grace after meals) at the end of the meal.
8. Letting people know – because there is not a lot of notice before a Brit, you are not expected to send out invitations – let people know by phone, emails, SMS, etc. it’s a good idea to delegate the job of letting people know to some close friends or family members.
9. Don’t forget - For the blessings during the ceremony you will need kosher wine and a kiddish cup. You may want to provide kippot (head coverings) for those who do not wear them regularly. The mohel will give you specific information about what you will need for the ceremony but as a basic guideline you will need a washcloth, some diapers, a sturdy waist-high table that won’t wobble, another table for the mohel’s instruments, a pillow, Vaseline or other petroleum jelly, disinfectant ointment (as instructed by the mohel), and some type of baby Tylenol. Dress the baby in something that can be easily pulled up above his waist and then lowered again. If your baby takes a pacifier don’t forget to bring it.
A father receives his son in preparation for the bris
10. Something extra – a nice idea is to provide a guide or handout that will explain the ceremony to your visitors who may not be familiar with it. For a free Brit Milah handout, click here .
11. Feeding your baby - ask your Mohel what is his opinion about feeding the baby before the Brit. On the one hand it may help keep him calm, on the other hand a full stomach isn’t the best idea if he screams a lot. At the end of the ceremony when everyone goes to partake in the meal, it is a great time to calm your baby with a feed. Although guests may want to admire the baby, in reality he will often be eating or sleeping after the ceremony.
12. Sharing some meaningful thoughts – during the celebration, parents may want to make a short speech or Dvar Torah. You may want to discuss the meaning of the event, the baby’s name or tie it in to the Parsha. Drop us a line to find out about our speech and Dvar Torah writing service.
13. Aftercare -Follow your mohel’s instructions for caring for the baby in the days after the circumcision
Finally – a comforting thought – the Brit Milah ceremony is only around 15 minutes and the actual procedure is over in less than a minute. Most importantly, keep in mind that although parts of this ceremony will be difficult for you (not to mention your baby), you are connecting with a Jewish law which is close to 5000 years old. It is a joyous honor to be entering your son into the Covenant of Abraham, so try to enjoy and really live the special moment.
A copy of the Brit Milah ceremony with all the blessing translated into English can be found here.
The Brit Milah Ceremony
April 13, 2011 By Leave a Comment
The father of the baby holds his son before the Brit
The blessings and prayers have been translated into English, in the ceremony they are said in Hebrew and can be found in the siddur.
–The baby is brought into the room–
At the beginning of the ceremony, the mother hands the baby to the kvatterin. Everyone present stands and greets him with the words “Barukh haba” (“May he who comes here be blessed”). The kvatterin then hands the baby to the kvatter. Some people choose to give the honor of being kvatter and kvatterin to a couple who have not yet had a child.
–The sandak holds the baby–
Two chairs are prepared for the Brit. The first is for the Sandek, the individual who holds the baby on their knees during the actual circumcision. It is considered a great honor to be the Sandek because there is a Kabbalistic tradition that links the soul of the Sandek with the child. In this way, the Sandek is considered the spiritual mentor of the child. Often, one of the grandfathers is asked to serve as the Sandek.
–The chair of Eliyahu–
The second chair is set aside for the spirit of Elijah the Prophet. According to Jewish tradition, Elijah comes to every circumcision to testify before the God to the commitment of the Jewish people to this great mitzvah. During the ceremony, just prior to the Brit itself, the baby is placed on the chair of Elijah, and the Mohel recites a special prayer asking for the spirit of Elijah to stand over him as he performs the Brit.
The mohel recites: “This chair is devoted to Elijah the prophet, may his remembrance be for the good. For Your salvation I have waited, O Lord. I have hoped for Your salvation, O Lord, and Your commandments have I fulfilled. Elijah, the angel of the covenant, is before You. You stand at my right and sustain. I have hoped for Your salvation, O Lord. I rejoice at Your word, as one finds great truth in Your words. Great peace have they who love Your law; and there is no stumbling for them. Happy are they whom You choose and bring near that they may dwell in Your courts.”
The mohel recites: “The Holy One, praised be God, said to our father Abraham: ‘Walk before Me and be perfect.’ I am ready and willing to perform the precept which the Creator, source of all blessings, commanded us concerning circumcision.”
Those present respond: “May we be satisfied with the goodness of Your house, the holy place of Your temple.”
A baby dressed after the brit milah ceremony
If a table is used, the mohel then places the child on the pillow, with the sandak assisting by holding the child’s firmly.
–The blessings of Brit Milah–
The mohel recites: “Praised be You, O Lord our God, Sovereign of the Universe, who has sanctified us by Your commandments, and commanded us concerning the rite of circumcision.”
The mohel determines the place where the cut should be made and puts a shield in place. A special knife called izmal or, more frequently now, a surgical scalpel is used. One or both parents may hand the knife to the mohel and stand beside the baby as he performs the circumcision. A sterile dressing is then applied.
The parents recite: “Praised be You, O Lord our God, Sovereign of the Universe, who has sanctified us by Your commandments and commanded us to enter our sons into the covenant of Abraham and Sarah, our ancestors.”
Those present respond: “As he has entered into the covenant, so may he enter into a life of Torah, to the nuptial canopy and to good deeds.”
–Wine and Hebrew name–
After the Mohel has performed the brit, a special blessing is recited upon a cup of wine, and the baby is given his Hebrew name.
The mohel holds up a kiddush cup and recites:
Praised are You, O Lord our God, Sovereign of the Universe, who has created the fruit of the vine.
Praised are You, O Lord our God, source of all blessings, who has sanctified the well-beloved (Isaac) from the womb and has set Your statute in his flesh and has sealed his offspring with the sign of the holy covenant. Therefore, because of this, O living God, our Portion and our Rock, deliver from destruction the dearly beloved of our flesh, for the sake of the covenant You have set in our bodies. Praised are You, O Lord our God, who has made the covenant.
Our God and God of our ancestors, preserve this child to his father and to his mother and let his name be called in Israel __________ son of ________. Let the parents rejoice in their offspring, and let them be glad with their children; as it is written: “Let the father and the mother rejoice, and let them that bore this infant be glad.” And it is said: “And I passed by you, and I saw you weltering in your blood, and I said unto you: ‘In your blood you shall live.’ Yea, I said: ‘In your blood you shall live.’” (A drop or two of wine is put in the mouth of the infant.) And it is said: “God has remembered the covenant forever, the word which God commanded to yours and all generations; (the covenant) which He made with Abraham, and His oath unto Isaac, and confirmed the same unto Jacob for a statute, to Israel for everlasting covenant.” And it is said: “And Abraham circumcised his son Isaac when he was eight days old, as God commanded him.” O give thanks unto the Lord; for God is good; for God’s loving-kindness endures forever. The little child, ____–____, may he become great. As he has been entered into the covenant, so may he be introduced to the study of Torah, to the nuptial canopy, and to good deeds.
The mohel then continues:
Creator of the universe. May it be Your gracious will to regard and accept this (performance of circumcision), as if I had brought this boy before Your glorious throne. And You, in Your abundant mercy, through Your holy angels, give a pure and holy heart to ___________, the son of ________, who was just now circumcised in honor of Your great Name. May his heart be wide open to comprehend Your holy Law, that he may learn and teach, keep and fulfill Your laws.
May He who blessed our fathers Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and our mothers Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Leah, bless this tender infant who was circumcised, and may He grant him a perfect cure. May his parents deserve to raise him up to the study of Torah, to the nuptial canopy, and good deeds. Let us say, Amen.”
–The baby is taken out the room and a festive meal is held–
The kvatter then takes the baby from the sandak and hands him to the kvatterin, who hands him back to the mother.
It is customary to serve refreshments or a meal after the brit, and this is considered a seudat mitzvah, part of the mitzvah.
At the meal, one of the parents may choose to give a speech or dvar torah in which s/he may chose to discuss a topic from the parashat hashavua that is relevant to the occasion. They may want to share with their guests the reason why they chose the specific name, as well as their hopes for the child’s future.
Photography by Rebecca Kowalsky
www.imagesthroughtime.com
photos@imagesthroughtime.com 054-5932049
Dear Mom, (and Dads, grandparents and friends…)
April 13, 2011 By Leave a Comment
After having three beautiful girls, my fourth baby was a boy. Many of my girlfriends had experienced the “trauma” of bris’ing their boys – but I hadn’t – until then…! A day before my bouncing baby boy’s big day arrived; a friend called. She gave me some unsolicited advice that turned my attitude to bris’ing my little boy on its head, and now I am burning to do you a favor and share her words with you!
She said to me simply “Tali, if you are worried about the bris – forget about it!” (“Yeah sure, easier said than done” thought I!) She then said “Tomorrow your son is becoming a Jew; this is a magnificent moment that will happen only once! Instead of losing yourself, and the precious moment to fear and anxiety, focus on the honor and privilege that you have as a parent to enter your son into a 3000 year old unbroken covenant of Abraham. Focus on your hopes and prayers for his Jewish future, focus on your gratitude to God for being able to celebrate this special day! ”
So yes, Moms out there – I did cry during my baby’s bris! And no, I can’t say that I would want to repeat the experience in a hurry! But when sympathizing friends ask me if I was nervous, and intimately reveal to me that this too was the worst day of their lives, I do not identify at all! My baby boy’s bris was a magnificent moment that I embraced with all my emotional and spiritual energy, and now it is a precious memory that I have stored away so I can refer to it in years to come!
So Moms (and Dad’s, grandparents and friends) – give it some thought – do you want to remember your son’s bris as the most traumatic event in your life, or as a crowning moment for you as a Jewish parent?
One tip: if you plan on re-framing the Bris experience, then I advise you to find somewhere quiet to think, meditate, pray or whatever, while all the well-intentioned and overly sympathetic friends and family are arriving, and ask someone special to call you to the ceremony just before it begins!
Good luck, Mazal tov – and a special thanks to Debi for all the times you have offered your unsolicited pearls of wisdom!
Customs in the week before the Bris
April 12, 2011 By Leave a Comment
Brit Yitzchak
Shalom Zachor
On the Friday night after a baby’s birth (and before his circumcision) Ashkenazi Jews often invite friends and family to join them after the meal to mark the birth. Food, drink, words of Torah and song are shared.
Traditions: Often chickpeas and round lentils are served as they are symbolic of fertility and of the cycle of life. One Hebrew name for chickpeas is “arbis” and tradition connects this word symbolically to God’s promise to Abraham, “I shall multiply (arbe) your seed like the stars of the Heavens (Genesis 22:17).”
Reasons for Shalom Zochor: There are a few reasons for the custom of a Shalom Zachar. It is considered thanksgiving for the birth of the baby. It is also an opportunity to include the baby in an occasion marked by Torah and song, and to spiritually integrate him into the Jewish people even before his Bris Milah.
For more information on Shalom Zachor click here.
Tikun Eliyahu
The Tikun Eliyahu (also called Leil Shimurim – night of vigil or Vechnacht) takes place on the night before the Bris Milah. The idea is to have a night of Torah study beside the baby’s crib. This custom is based on the notion that a newborn should not be left unattended during his first week of life, since his life is considered to be in danger until after his bris milah.
Verses: Some people also have the custom to bring young children to recite the ‘Shema ’ prayer and the verse ‘Hamalach hagoel oti’ by the baby’s bedside. These verses are considered to protect the child from harm before the Brit.
An explanation for the recitation of these particular verses is that through reciting them, the children declare their belief in God, in the presence of the newborn. In this way, they welcome him into the Jewish nation, just hours before he will enter into the covenant of Abraham.
In ancient times, when circumcision was forbidden by Greek and Roman rulers, this gathering on the night before the baby’s brit milah, was also meant to mislead the authorities – and cause them to believe that this was the extent of the intended celebrations, and that no circumcision was planned for the following day.
Brit Yitzchak
The Brit Yizchak is also known as the Leil Hazohar (Night of radiance) or the Akad-al-Yas (Binding of the myrtles).This custom is common in Sephardic communities, is also tied to the protection of the newborn. On the night before the bris, family and friends gather in the house of the newborn (or his grandparents’) and recite midrashim, stories, and laws in Aramaic, from the Zohar. The baby’s father reads a paragraph, which speaks of the father’s obligation to circumcise his son. Afterwards, all the guests enjoy a meal together, and sing and dance by candlelight. Some people have the custom to bring the ‘Chair of Elijah’, which will be used at the bris, to the house, and to tie myrtle branches onto it.
Jewish Boys names and their implications
April 12, 2011 By Leave a Comment
Bris baby, picture courtesy of Rebecca Kowalsky www.imagesthroughtime.com
At the time of Abraham’s Bris, God changed Abraham’s name from Avram to Avraham. In keeping with that tradition, a Jewish boy is given his Hebrew name at the time of his Brit Milah. Judaism places a great deal of significance on a child’s Hebrew name. It is believed that a child will live up to his name, so you want to give the child a name that you would want him to live up to!
Ashkenazi Jews often name their children after a departed relative, while Sephardic Jews sometimes name their children in honor of living relatives. In case the baby is being named after someone who died at a young age or under tragic circumstances, an additional name is also given. This name can refer to ‘life’ or ‘healing’, or be the name of someone who lived a full and blessed life.
Below you will find a list of biblical names with their Hebrew version, and a summary of the essence of the person’s character.
- Abraham (Avraham) – First Jew and father of the Jewish nation, considered a leader and a trail blazer
- Isaac (Yitzchak) – Abraham’s son and considered a very spiritual person
- Jacob (Yaakov) – Isaac’s son, considered a strong person (in body and in spirit)
- Joseph (Yosef) – Jacob’s son, considered a leader and a visionary
- Judah (Yehuda) – Jacob’s son, considered a leader and one who can derive strength from his short comings
- Reuben (Reuven) – Jacob’s son, considered loyal
- Levy – Jacob’s son, considered a spiritual leader and teacher
- Moses (Moshe) – Lead the Jews out of Egypt, considered a leader
- Aaron (Aharon) – Moses’ brother, considered a spiritual leader and a pursuer of peace among people
- Saul (Shaul) – First King of Israel, very good looking.
- Jonathon (Yonatan) – Saul’s son, considered remarkably loyal
- David – Second King of Israel, considered a fighter and dedicated to God
- Solomon (Shlomo) – Davis’s son, a man of peace, considered the wisest of all men
- Daniel – A prophet, considered courageous
- Gabriel (Gavriel) – An angel, always there when needed
- Michael (Mi’ch’ael) – An angel, at God’s service
What’s your favorite Hebrew name – and why? Please tell us in the comment box below.
Cut and Dry: How to Talk to Kids About the Brit Milah
April 12, 2011 By Leave a Comment
By Dasee Berkowitz
Jewish parents who are having a bris (or brit milah) for their 8-day-old son, may find the ritual a difficult one to explain–even to other adults. It is not always easy to defend a practice that requires removing a part of the foreskin from a newborn boy’s penis.
How then should parents begin a conversation about this covenantal rite of passage with their older children?
While there is no one right way to have a discussion about a bris, not preparing children at all may leave them confused about a very important yet challenging ritual. Because the first eight days of a newborn’s life are hectic and overwhelming, expectant parents should think about how to have this conversation with their older kids before the baby is born.
It’s helpful to reflect and strategize around two distinct stages, the preparation for the bris and the bris itself.
Preparation
What’s it all about?
Before considering how you talk about the meaning of a bris to kids, articulate what meaning it holds for you and your partner. Is it a religious rite of passage? A divine command? An ethnic tradition? A cultural norm?
Of course, you and your partner might not have the same answer. That’s okay; Jewish tradition is strong enough to survive (and even thrive on) multiple interpretations. Communicating a “both/and” approach as opposed to an “either/or” one will be helpful for your child–for example, saying, “We are having a bris for our son both because God told us to do so in the Torah and because it is an important part of what makes us Jewish.”
Once you identify your own reasons for having a brit milah, you’ll be able to convey them more clearly to your children. And if you feel like you don’t have an answer, this can be an opportunity for your children to learn that adults don’t always know everything. You can do some research together as a family.
Make space for questions.
Create an open atmosphere that gives children the chance to ask questions. Listen carefully to really hear what they are asking. If they ask questions like, “Will the baby cry a lot?” they might be concerned the procedure will hurt the baby. Assure them that the doctor or mohel is very competent and that the cloth drenched in wine that the baby sucks (or the anesthetic applied) numbs any pain the baby might feel. If your daughter asks, “Did I have a bris too?” she may be wondering whether she also had a special celebration. Assure her that her birth was just as special and remind her of the celebrations you had.
Speak to their developmental level.
This conversation should be relevant to your child’s developmental stage; avoid overwhelming concepts. While each child’s development is different, these are some general guidelines for what is age-appropriate:
• 3 Years and Younger
Children at this age pick up on emotions around them. They sense their parents’ anxiety and are comforted by their parents’ calm. Tell them what is happening in very simple terms the day before the bris.
• 4-6 Years
Children this age may have heard of or been to a bris before. To prepare them, ask what they have heard about a bris. Based on what they tell you (both verbally and non-verbally), you will be able to steer the conversation in a useful direction that addresses their understanding or concerns.
Your own reasons for having a bris will guide how you frame the discussion (e.g. “We are going to have a bris for your baby brother because it is a mitzvah,” or, “a bris shows that the baby is a Jewish boy”).
Explaining the procedure itself is vital so that children do not become frightened by something they see or overhear. You can give a simple explanation: “A baby boy is born with an extra piece of skin on his penis which is very small, and at a bris it is removed right before he is given a Hebrew name.”
If children show concern that the baby will suffer, you may add, “the mohel who does this procedure is trained like a doctor and it’s his/her job to be careful and gentle. Even though the baby cries a little, he is okay and mom will nurse him/give him a bottle right after the bris.” For extra reassurance, you can remind kids that they sometimes cry when they go to the doctor to get a shot, but then they are okay too.
Children at this age learn through repetition, and may need to hear the same answer a few times. They will likely ask many questions so it’s important to be open to follow-up questions.
• 7-9 Years
Children at this age begin to be much more aware of their peer group and their values, and they may raise questions around the particularistic nature of a bris, especially if you live in a mainly non-Jewish community. You might want to explain that a bris is a ritual unique to Jews, even though their non-Jewish friends might have had another procedure called a circumcision in a hospital.
The question about why boys have a bris and girls don’t may also come up. It’s helpful to bring the conversation about a bris back to anatomy (“boys have a penis, and girls don’t”), while adding that there are many kinds of naming ceremonies for newborn girls.
You may also be able to introduce more nuanced ideas like “relationship” or “covenant,” which evoke give and take (e.g. “God promises Abraham that he will be the father to the Jewish people if Abraham promises God that the Jews will follow God’s laws, and this agreement is what we remember when we have a bris”). Children at this age may understand the idea of give and take because they themselves are navigating relationships with friends and the rules that govern them.
The Event Itself
The brit milah ceremony brings about transformation not only for the newborn, but also for each of the parents as they assume new roles, and for older children who have recently gained a new sibling.
Think about how to show each child special attention during this transitional time, to help them feel loved and secure. At the bris itself, deciding where they sit and with whom (e.g. on a grandparent’s lap, holding their favorite relative’s hand, or with a close friend) will help convey those feelings. You might think about giving them an age-appropriate role during the ceremony. Any task, from handing out programs to carrying up the kiddush cup to walking in with the baby (accompanied by an adult), will make them feel important on this day.
It’s also useful to think about your children’s temperament when you decide where they sit or stand, and how much of the ceremony they will see. Some kids are squeamish at the mere mention of blood, while others aren’t. Assessing how they might react will help you determine where they are situated during the event, and who you assign to be with them.
However you decide to talk to your children about a bris, it will not be the first or last opportunity that you have. At whatever stage you speak with them, maintain open communication, and be available to answer questions. As your child becomes a sibling to a new baby brother, understand that the bris is just part of a larger context of changes in your child’s life.
This article originally appeared on MyJewishLearning.com and is reprinted with permission. For more about Jewish lifecycles and Jewish living, visit MyJewishLearning.com.